Chapter 10: WHY 2K?
An IntroductionThe Year 2000 will be the biggest birthday bash in human history, but no one knows exactly when, where or what we're celebrating.
Like a car's speedometer hitting 100,000, it's a momentous milestone without meaning. And everyone seems to be cheering, except you.Why 2K?
Are you suffering from PMSS: Pre-Millennial-Stress Syndrome? Do you cringe when you hear the words, "Millennium Bug?" Do you gag when Playboy
launches its global search for the Playmate of the Millennium? Do your eyes glaze over when you hear about the newest pre-Millennium trend (kids named Millie), the latest product (New Millennium Toothbrush), or that same question you'll be hearing over and over again."So what are YOU doing for the Millennium?"
Are there days when you wish you lived in another era, some time quieter, less disturbing and less, well, Millennial? For instance: Paris during The Terror, or Rome while it was being sacked, or even some inoffensive date in the future like 2079 -- long after the Millennium hype is over and a comfortable 921 years before it starts again?
Well, you're not alone. Billions of others are suffering from PMSS too, and for good reason. With less than a year to go before The Moment arrives, the word "Millennial" is already the most overused adjective of the last 2000 years. And planning for an ordinary New Year's Eve is bad enough -- soon you'll be expected to know where you're spending your Millennium party, who's getting your first Millennial kiss, what your Millennium outfit will be and what Millennium Eve resolutions you'll make.
Suggestion:"This is definitely my LAST Millennium Eve party."
Then there's the orgy of media-hype you can expect in the final months and days of the countdown. There will be Time's
(Hu)man of the Millennium, Sports Illustrated's
Athlete of the Millennium, not to mention the Philosopher, the Writer, the Artist, the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick-Maker of the Millennium.
There will be TV specials documenting every second of the unfolding celebrations from Aalsmeer, Netherlands to Zywiec, Poland. There will be thousands of Millennium products for sale and billions in government money wasted on the event. There will be no end of talk about the Millennium bug and other Doomsday pests, not to mention the tabloid TV shows before and afterwards:
"RECOVERING MILLENNIUM ADDICTS MEET FIRST-TIME MILLENNIAL MOMS."
By the time it arrives, the Millennium will be the most over-publicized, over-hyped and utterly predictable event of all time; the ultimate opportunity for scamsters, pollsters, psychics, academics, journalists and authors -- like us.
So watch out -- the Millennium snowball is growing and if you don't do something, it will roll right over you. But what can
This book is the answer, your guide to surviving Y2K -- the Year 2000 -- before it swallows you. It tells you where not to go, how not to dress, even what not to drink on Millennium Eve if you want to miss the Hangover of the Millennium. (Hint: anything with "two thousand flavors" can't be good for you.)
It explains how you can fight back against the Millennium, or ignore it, or postpone it. It even tells you how to miss the Millennium entirely.
In short, this book is a way of getting through the Millennium without dying of boredom first. It will take the stress out of your PMSS.
In addition, and at no extra charge, it gives you at least 2000 reasons to hate the Millennium, though we're sure you can think of lots more. So don't wait another millisecond, start taking control of your
Millennium right now.
If you like, you can make your first anti-Millennium statement by burning this book.
After you've paid for it, of course.
Josh FreedTHINGS WE THOUGHT WOULD LAST 2000 YEARS THAT DIDN'T
by Marsha Boulton
THINGS WE DIDN'T THINK WOULD LAST UNTIL 2000 THAT MADE A COMEBACK
- Frankincense and myrrh
- Fish on Fridays
- Lighthouse keepers
- Latin teachers
- Mail delivery
- Needing sex for conception
- Eating beef
- The U.S.S.R.
- The Royal Family
- The family
- Babe Ruth's record
- Letter writing
- Bank tellers
IMMORTAL LINES OF THE LAST 2000 YEARS THAT, IN RETROSPECT, WEREN'T
- Bearded messiahs
- Spike heels and platform shoes
- The Volkswagen Beetle
- Boxer shorts
- Underwire bras
- Joe Clark
- John Glenn
- Bleached hair and dark roots
"No sane man will dance."Cicero
"Rome will never fall."Anonymous
"The sun never sets on the British Empire..."John Wilson, 1829
"This was the war to end all wars."Woodrow Wilson, after WWI
"Peace in our time."Neville Chamberlain, before WWII
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"H.M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers, 1927
"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."Popular Mechanics, 1949
"We don't like their sound. Guitar groups are on the way out."Decca record executive, 1962, as he refused to sign The Beatles
"We will bury you!"Nikita Kruschev (1894-1971) on capitalism
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
Copyright © 1999 by Josh Freed and Terry Mosher