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'BOX? Box, old man! Shake a leg!'

I opened my eyes wide and blinked once. Twice.

Bewildered, I glanced about. Olive-green walls, a hissing gas fire. A cabbagey smell like a school dormitory. There was a loud creak as I straightened in the chair, though whether it was the cracked leather or my hips, I'm not sure.

It took a moment to orientate myself. Through the dirty window, the sky was a grey smudge. Bowler-hatted commuters surged past an austere arched entrance, an occasional red bus breaking the monochrome tide, like a speck of blood in a black eye.

London.

No sharks. No piranha. No pneumatic girls in shattered Hong Kong fish-tanks. Nor any of that stuff hammered out on Remingtons by ex-foreign correspondents in seersucker shirts.

I scowled at the portrait of the new Queen gazing down from the wall, as though blaming her for puncturing my dreaming. My lurid dreaming, I have to say. There's no other word for it.

'What?' I said at last.

'The sainted Miss Beveridge is asking whether you'd like a cup of rosie,' said Allan Playfair, his voice as high and bright as ice plinking into a glass. He had one thumb on a grey intercom button.

I shook my head. 'Any coffee?'

Playfair pulled a face. 'Oh, Lord. Now you're asking. Got some Camp - any good?' I shook my head again. 'As for the real thing,' he chuckled, clamping his jaw onto the stem of a blackened pipe, 'easier to find Christine Jorgensen's nethers, old love.'

Playfair was about forty-five, with a utilitarian face and a suit as badly cut as his salt and pepper hair. He shifted uncomfortably within Prince of Wales check as he leaned towards the intercom and grunted: 'No tea.'

'Righto,' came Miss Beveridge's throaty Northern vowels from the outer office. Almost immediately, the machine sparked into life again, giving a rasp like a miner's lung. Playfair's face crumpled, irritated. 'Hold my calls,' he barked. Then he sat back and beamed at me.

'You shouldn't have let me drop off like that,' I said. 'Damned embarrassing - snoozing in someone else's office.'

'Seemed a shame to wake you,' he grinned. 'You looked so peaceful. And who wouldn't get a little drowsy after a slap-up nosh like that?'

I recalled with a shudder the wet lettuce and scalpel-thin ham that had passed for lunch.

'Besides...' Playfair went on, flipping open a pewter cigarette case and offering me a spindly fag. Strands of tobacco tumbled out.

'Besides?'

He relit his pipe and then extinguished the match in a couple of swift swoops. 'Well, you've earned a rest.'

'Oh, don't say that, for God's sake. Makes me sound...' I sighed and Playfair's brows rose. 'I could always take being envied,' I continued, 'or feared. But the one thing I never thought I'd be was venerable.'

He laughed explosively, his pipe jutting upwards so that the bowl almost touched his nose. 'That,' he coughed, 'you will never be. Monks are venerable, old love. Oxbridge dons, too. But a scoundrel like you? I think not.'

He chuckled again - rather hatefully. I said nothing.

Allan Playfair was a dependable chap. Solid. Respectable. And about to replace me.

Me.

The man who'd prevented the revivified zombie of Captain Scott destroying New Zealand with his steam-dreadnought the Terror Nova. The man who'd pursued and destroyed Dr Cassivelaunus Fetch and A.C.R.O.N.I.M. - the Anarcho-Criminal Retinue of Nihilists, Incendiarists and Murderers. The man who'd come out of the Second World War covered in glory (and certain unmentionables) after preventing the Nazis from exploding a miniature purgative inside the Prime Minister's guts.

I had risen to the top of my curious profession (oh, for goodness sake, I'm not going into all that again. Visit the library!). I was officially 'Joshua Reynolds', President of the Royal Academy. Not the oh-so-respectable bastion of Fine Art you might be imagining, of course, but the front for Her Britannic Majesty's really, really Secret Service. (There, I've said it. No need to go to the library now. I've saved you the bus fare.)

But to my old friends, old lovers, old tailors but most especially, dear old Reader, to you, I remain Lucifer Box.

Would you know me, still? The tall frame a little stooped in the black linen suit, the hands knotty with veins. Perhaps the eyes would still surprise you. Sharp and brightly blue, like the sun-glistened edge of a melting snowdrift. Or do I flatter myself? Probably.

My scandalous career had been quite a ride but, like all good things, had to come to an end. The Royal Academy was finally to be absorbed by the traditional MI6 mob: the 'Service'. With their checkpoints and their microfilmed sex-acts and their shabby little assassinations in rainy Czech alleys.

Playfair held up a hand. 'Anyway, I'm in no rush, old love. You remember that. You have all the time in the world.'

'One month,' I said, contemplating the popping gas-fire. It was a stiflingly hot June, but Playfair was notoriously thin-blooded. 'It really doesn't take that long to clear one's desk.'

'What have you got on, anyway?' he asked. 'Something juicy, I trust? Something nice for me to inherit? Or are you going to sort everything out in four short weeks and leave me with slim pickings?'

'I'm winding down gently...' I began.

'Out with it!'

'Well...'

'I knew it, you old fox!'

I shrugged. 'Something down in Cape Town. Locals have been looking for Coelacanth.'

'Beg pardon?'

'Species of ancient fish,' I explained. 'Long believed extinct but still hanging around.'

We both smiled at that.

'Well,' I continued, 'the Cape Towners caught something all right, but it wasn't what it appeared.'

Playfair rubbed his hands together. 'Don't tell me! A robotic Soviet listening device covered in scales and fins!'

'Nothing so interesting. Just a body. An old friend of mine, in point of fact.'

He stopped sucking on his pipe. 'Oh, I am sorry. What happened?'

I shrugged. 'Looks like suicide. Drove his car into the bay.'

Playfair shook his head. 'Bloody shame.' He got up and started opening drawers. 'Tell you what. I think there might still be some sherry here somewhere. Left over from the Coronation.'

'No, thanks. And how about you?'

'Hm?'

'Cases? Pending?'

Playfair pulled a face. 'Usual pallid guff. Chinese making ugly noises. Narcotics scare out in the Balkans'. He paused with a dusty bottle of Sandeman in one hand. 'Leftist grumblings in Venezuela...'

I nodded dully.

The parp of car horns and the unmistakable roar of the city sent a sudden and unexpected pang of emotion surging through me. I glanced round at the drearily respectable portraits and the drearily respectable room. 'I just hope...'

'Yes?'

'I just hope you have some fun,' I said. 'It really used to be the most tremendous fun.'

'Don't think I signed the chit for "fun",' said Playfair. He smiled and raised his glass. 'To you.'

He got to his feet and buttoned his jacket. 'Well, if you'll excuse me. Pleasure, as always. And I'm sure I'll see you again before you leave.'

'If you like.'

'Cheerio, old love.' He took my hand and then glanced down at the desk, his attention already elsewhere. For all his bonhomie, I had been effectively dismissed.

I went through into the outer office, a smaller, darker, cooler version of Playfair's. Miss Beveridge looked up from her desk and smiled.

Ah, Miss Beveridge.

Charming girl. Carrying out her sherpa-like duties for the Service without a word of complaint. Padding up and down the olive-green corridors with buff files under both arms. Scribbling memos, delivering dockets. For a short while, she'd been seconded to the Royal Academy and that's when yours truly, never content to doze off into a copy of Art and Artists when there's something delicious about, had noticed other things about Miss Beveridge. I'd observed her long, lovely neck, for instance, startlingly brown against the crisp white of her lace collar; the way her eyes disappeared into crinkled half-moons when she smiled; her infectious and frankly dirty Lancastrian chuckle. In addition, having studied dusty files of my adventures in her youth, she was a dedicated fan. Perhaps, over a Madeira or four, I could immerse myself in a very different Beveridge Report...

'The young lad's here, sir,' she said brightly.

I had lost myself in dreaming again. 'Is he? Right. Thank you, Beveridge.'

'Smashing to see you again, Mr Box.'

'And you, my dear.'

As she began shuffling papers, I gazed at her. Slender, exquisitely coiffured and perfect. I was fooling myself. What the deuce would someone like her see in old Lucifer Box? An indulgent smile was all I would ever get.

But as I moved to the door, she looked up again.

'Sir? I just wanted to say good luck, sir. And...well, it won't be the same without you.'

'Thanks.' I felt suddenly emboldened. Perhaps the party wasn't over just yet. 'Um...I was wondering...I have an appointment tomorrow. Rather a depressing matter, I'm afraid. Funeral. Old friend.'

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.'

'Well, I was wondering whether you'd be available to accompany me? Hate to go to these things alone. Then, perhaps, a spot of lunch? And I can regale you with tales of some of my more sensational past glories.'

To my delight, the girl's face lit up. 'Oh, that'd be grand, Mr Box!'

'Splendid.'

'I can drive us there, if you like,' she enthused. 'I've nowt flash, mind, in the car department.'

'That's perfectly all right. It's Number Nine, Downing Street.'

'Yes, I know that bit,' she chuckled.

'Shall we say eleven o'clock?'

Miss Beveridge nodded enthusiastically and, with as much insouciance as I could muster, I left the office and made my way down the peeling stairwell, grinning like a youngster and positively dancing on air.

Awaiting me at the entrance was a little boy. He was sitting on a bench, legs sticking out before him like two white poles in neat grey socks. A beret covered most of the thick blue-black coils of his hair. He looked up as I approached but didn't smile.

'Good afternoon, Christmas,' I sighed.

'Hello, Daddy,' he said.

© Mark Gatiss 2008