Read an Excerpt

The Epic
Rumors and Innuendo
Monday, September 27, 2010


fuck you right in your fucking face-hole. 09:52:09 PM

And so it began, late in the evening, as news organizations started publishing rumors that Rahm Emanuel would be leaving his position as President Obama’s chief of staff to throw his hat into the ring for Chicago’s mayoral race. It would be the first competitive race in 21 years, following the announcement by mayor-for-life Richard M. Daley that he would not seek another four years in office.

Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I’ll fucking END THEM. 10:11:12 PM

Politico was the first to break the story, followed quickly by the rest of the political press.

Hey you douchebags at @ChicagoTribune, I’ll fucking announce when I fucking announce. 10:22:18 PM

This was the first, and only, @MayorEmanuel Tweet that I retweeted via @DanSinker. It made its way around Twitter pretty quickly, and @MayorEmanuel’s follower count began to tick upwards rapidly.

Someone tell @joshtpm to shut his asshole before I have to hop an Acela Express and do it my goddamn self. 10:29:16 PM

Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo had picked up the Emanuel rumor story, as it quickly spread across the news.

If the Bears fuck this up, my entire platform is going to revolve around burning that stadium to the fucking ground. 10:34:24 PM

Goddamn right Bears win. 10:48:25 PM

The Chicago Bears beat their archrivals the Green Bay Packers 20–17. It’s worth noting at this early point that I know nothing about sports. But if you’re running for Mayor of Chicago, you’d better, so I followed the outcomes of all the Bears games on—where else—Twitter. Thank god this wasn’t written in late spring, when I would have had to follow the outcomes of Cubs, Sox, Bulls, and Blackhawks games simultaneously.

Hey @jaketapper, you wanna talk “breaking,” how about I break my foot off inside your colon? 10:58:01 PM

ABC News’s Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper had just tweeted “BREAKING—Rahm Emanuel Likely to Leave White House This Week.”

I swear to god, if I never have to see another cherry blossom as long as I goddamn live, it’ll still be too fucking soon. 11:06:24 PM

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Shit-screw you in your fucking cock-hole. 12:07:17 AM

Cocking shit-shiners it’s late. 12:43:32 AM

And with that, day one ended. The follower count was around 500. Up from zero in three hours.

Gonna cram that sheriff’s star so far up Dart’s intestine that when he shits it’ll look like the constellation Orion. 07:35:32 AM

Mayor Daley announced that he wouldn’t run for reelection on September 7, 2010. By the 10th, news reports had Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart considering getting into the race. The Chicago Sun-Times quoted him as saying, “Voters know who I am; they appreciate a lot of the things we’ve done, so I think I do have the ability to have some ‘head start’ on some people.” Prior to Emanuel announcing, Dart was at or near the top of polls.

Also, Sneed: stop talking about yourself in the third person or I swear to god, I will break my dick off and fuck you in the hair follicles. 07:37:46 AM

Michael Sneed is the leading political gossip reporter in Chicago. She writes about herself exclusively in the third person.

These people are fucking joking, right? Give me back my fucking house, or I will burn it down around you. 07:44:21 AM

When he left Congress to become Obama’s chief of staff, the Emanuels (he is married with two children) rented their home in Chicago’s Ravenswood neighborhood. That morning Sneed led with a report that the tenants in Emanuel’s rental house were refusing to break their lease and allow Emanuel to move back into his home.

You know who I’m not going to miss at all? Mitch McConnell. That guy is the king of the fucking pansy-shitters. 07:50:48 AM

Mitch McConnell is the minority leader in the US Senate. He’s the first of many Washington regulars that @MayorEmanuel realizes he’ll soon be free of.

Some mornings coffee is like standing underneath a twat-rainbow while fucking a thousand puppies in the mouth. 08:22:32 AM

The first, and most graphic, of @MayorEmanuel’s many coffee Tweets. Over the course of the feed, @MayorEmanuel would tweet about coffee another 69 times. Some of this was character logic: he’s passionate about everything, so why not coffee too? Some of it was to help spread the account around Twitter: people would pass the coffee Tweets around rapid-fire. And part of it was that I really, really like coffee.

Jesus shit-Christ is it awkward around the office today. 09:24:03 AM

Wait a second: who the fuck holds a fucking election in Chicago in fucking FEBRUARY? 09:42:49 AM

We’re all supposed to go out there with our dicks swinging in the snow? 09:45:54 AM

I will miss sneaking juice boxes with Sasha. 12:01:36 PM

I always liked the image of Emanuel and Sasha Obama sipping juice boxes in the White House Rose Garden.

Most of the lunch briefing was spent deciding whether I should drive down K Street yelling “Sayonara, bitches!” Or “Fuck you very much!” 02:21:05 PM

K Street is the epicenter for lobbyists and think tanks in Washington, DC.

Christ, the fuck train got derailed on its way to bullshit junction today. I blame Duncan. 02:43:54 PM

That’d be Arne Duncan, former CEO of the Chicago Public Schools, who was tapped to join Obama in Washington as the secretary of education. Fun fact: Duncan used to play professional basketball in Australia.

Another thing about Duncan: for being so tall, that guy is a fucking pussy when it comes to the head-fake. Makes him jump every goddamn time. 02:50:11 PM

When you’re writing in 140 character bursts, visual gags work really well. The idea of @MayorEmanuel tossing out head-fakes was easy, visual shorthand for his aggressive personality.

Axelrod tells me “Who replaced Chicago with this shitfest?” isn’t a good slogan. 03:32:45 PM

This was the first appearance of David Axelrod, who at the time was President Obama’s chief strategist, having architected his campaign for president. Before entering the national spotlight with Obama’s presidential campaign, Axelrod had been a longtime political strategist. Prior to entering politics, he was city hall reporter for the Chicago Tribune in the early 1980s. He also sports a sweet Chicago-style mustache, which was the real motivating factor in incorporating him into the story. Axelrod was not actually directly involved in the Emanuel campaign in the way portrayed in the @MayorEmanuel story. He stayed in Washington, DC, though was seen in Chicago regularly during the mayoral race (and moved back in January 2011 to set up the Obama 2012 reelection headquarters in Chicago). His former political media firm AKP&D Message and Media (he’s the “A,” but he sold his interest when he joined the Obama administration) was paid millions by the Emanuel campaign to provide both media strategy and campaign consulting.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I really fucking hope that I get to stay on hold with Comcast Chicago all goddamn day. Yes, please, transfer me again. 09:31:31 AM

So Axelrod is blathering on about a “new Burnham plan” and I just look him square in the eye and say, “Fuck you, you fucking mustache-face.” 10:02:20 AM

I’m not a motherfucking giant Snoopy balloon, so I will not appear at your motherfucking parade. 11:00:51 AM

This little trio of Tweets showed the challenges of moving back to Chicago and running for mayor beginning to come into focus for @MayorEmanuel: dealing with strategy sessions, being asked to appear at civic events, and hooking up utilities. All treated with equal amounts of disdain.

Geithner never stops talking. You can be standing there, double birds in his face and your cock hanging out, and he’s all blah blah blah … 12:04:28 PM

Timothy Geithner is the US secretary of the Treasury.

I would rather lick the balls of the entire Chicago city counsel than have to deal with the fuck-nuggets in the House for another 10 minutes. 02:25:23 PM

DC, Comics

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Shitting cock-face, I stayed up way too late watching “Must Love Dogs” again. And I gotta deal with fucking Vilsack in the morning. Fuck me. 12:33:06 AM

Tom Vilsack is the US secretary of agriculture.

Cock—06:36:17 AM

—a-doodle-doo, assholes. Wake the fuck up. 06:37:11 AM

If Dick Mell leaves another VM promising to be a “kingmaker,” I’m going to pry all the keys off this phone and stuff them up his urethra. 08:13:03 AM

Dick Mell is a longtime member of Chicago’s city council. He was elected in 1975 and continues to serve on the council. Fun Fact: Mell’s daughter Patricia is married to embattled former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

I walked into the briefing today, birds up, and said “Hey snatch-warblers, you’ve only got one day left with this bitch.” It’s official. 12:06:38 PM

News reports had confirmed that Emanuel would be leaving the White House to run for mayor of Chicago. He’d be replaced by Pete Rouse, a senior advisor to the president and, up until news reports named him, someone whom many casual political observers had never heard of. I know I never had.

Jesus fuck-Christ, I told them that if they’re going to go with Rouse, they’ll have to find another billion in the budget for donut runs. 12:19:10 PM

Apparently they went with Rouse because the potted fucking bamboo in the fucking East Room was too busy. Too bad, the bamboo says more. 12:32:25 PM

Another thing about Rouse: hope you like your morning briefings around 11:45, because cock-asses that motherfucker can sleep in. 12:48:03 PM

Gibbs keeps looking at me and his eyes well up, like he’s eating the dong-berries right off the pussy-bush. 02:15:30 PM

Robert Gibbs was the White House press secretary.

I would rather slam my dick in a door than look at the motherfucking yard sign samples Plouffe just e-mailed. 02:59:58 PM

David Plouffe, who was a chief campaign manager for Obama’s election, appeared exclusively in this story in e-mails, faxes, and texts. This reflected the way many people experienced Plouffe: as a name in their in-box during the 2008 presidential campaign. Searching my Gmail, I had over 100 e-mails from Plouffe. In thinking about staffing up @MayorEmanuel’s campaign, I decided that Plouffe would remain a virtual presence, just as he had for many of us in real life. To the best of my knowledge, Plouffe was not involved in the Emanuel campaign in real life, though he is the “P” in AKPD Message and Media, David Axelrod’s consulting firm.

Salazar just came up with a fruit basket. Ken, unless you want me to insert these into your colon one-by-one, get the fuck out of my face. 04:58:37 PM

Ken Salazar is the US secretary of the interior.

Been eating Fiber One all day so I’ve got enough shit to go around tomorrow. Lieberman, be sure to check your mail: you just got shit-boxed. 07:52:26 PM

Joe Lieberman was a formerly Democratic senator from Connecticut who ran as an independent after losing the 2006 Democratic primary.

Last goddamn night in this fucking shit-coffin of a town. 10:19:44 PM

Friday, October 1, 2010

Thank god it’s motherfucking shit-scratching cock-bleeding Friday. 07:40:47 AM

This was it, the morning of Emanuel’s departure from the White House. He met privately with the staff (where he was presented with a dead Asian carp wrapped in newspaper, echoing a mythic Emanuel moment, when he mailed a dead fish to a pollster who made him angry) and would then be publicly feted by the president himself. This was also the first of dozens of posts celebrating Friday—they would soon shift to end-of-work-week posts, usually tweeted right at 5:00.

Dear Washington Press Corps, suck it out of my asshole, you fucking third-rate, cock-handed, twat-cobbler hacks. I will miss you not at all. 08:58:44 AM

“Suck it out of my asshole” was a nod to the Fake Steve Jobs character penned by tech journalist Dan Lyons—his character used the phrase so often he shortened it to “SIOOMA.”

Hey Steny Hoyer, check your mail today: You just got shit-boxed. And I’m sure there’s enough in there to pass around. 09:04:13 AM

Steny Hoyer was House majority leader from 2007 to 2011.

LaHood just pulled up in his fucking electric clown car. This fucking ceremony is going to last a dong-capping lifetime isn’t it? 09:15:12 AM

Ray LaHood is the US secretary of transportation.

Rouse just waddled up, panting like a leg-fucking schnauzer. “Sorry I’m late.” Yeah, you fuck-hat, I’m sure you are. 09:32:43 AM

Only thing getting me through this fucking thing is knowing my shaking hand is covered in cock sweat. 09:45:33 AM

Vilsack’s halitosis is like breathing through a scuba tank full of dongs. 10:01:05 AM

DCA > OR-MF-D. 10:37:31 AM

Presidential speech out of the way, Emanuel was off to Chicago.

Sweet Home

There is a pothole on the fucking Kennedy Expressway that I swear just made me cough up my sphincter. 03:47:15 PM

23 cock-socked, twat-fingered voicemails from Plouffe. In two hours! How many more before he figures out I’m not fucking answering? 04:26:44 PM

“Hey Rahm, David. I was thinking about strategies for the 32nd ward …” Fucking dick-trimming shit-sorcerers, I’m going to toss this phone. 04:32:18 PM

Home. I’m going to crack open this Half Acre tallboy, pop in Serendipity, and put my feet up. Fuck all of you in your cock-soaked armpits. 04:58:04 PM

Friday, October 1, 2010

Muff-shitting fuck-towers. 09:46:05 AM

It’s @MayorEmanuel’s first full day in Chicago, and many local political figures are stopping by his house, trying to catch a meeting. I have no idea if this is how the real Rahm’s first day was, but I’m sure there were a lot of meetings over the first few days.

Thing I like about Quigley: that the dong-fountain calls me “sir.” Thing I don’t like: motherfucker thinks Saturday is a good day to drop by. 10:00:01 AM

Mike Quigley won Rahm Emanuel’s vacated congressional seat in 2009.

I would rather snap a mousetrap inside my own asshole than take a meeting with Jody fucking Weis. 04:12:01 PM

Jody Weis was the superintendent of police for Chicago.

The top-fucking fuck-topper: Burke. 05:21:31 PM

Ed Burke is the longest continually serving alderman from a single ward in Chicago, having first been elected to office in 1969. He is the chair of the finance committee, and an extremely powerful and influential figure in the city council. But this was probably my least favorite Tweet of all of them. The concept was that Burke just shows up and @MayorEmanuel is immediately filled with dread, but it just didn’t work—it fell flat. Capturing emotion in 140 characters was difficult at first.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Axelrod has been standing outside my house in the rain all fucking day. Stopped knocking hours ago. What a shit-sad mustache he’s got on. 08:18:12 PM

A cold, rainy October night? Someone tell Axelrod to pack his charts and head fucking home, I’m watching “1408.” Boo, you fucking cock-tards. 09:05:37 PM

Every film referenced to this point was a lesser-known film from John Cusack’s catalog. This was a very early attempt at Chicago-related—Cusack grew up in the Chicago suburb of Evanston—character development.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Holy fuck-smacks, where’s the shit-coughing coffee? 08:33:44 AM

183 e-mails from Plouffe later, and the suck-fucking webtards still made a site that looks like Barack’s. 01:30:32 PM

Emanuel’s campaign website, chicagoforrahm.com, debuted and its color scheme and font choice made it look very similar to the Obama 2008 campaign site.

Axelrod’s shooting my “special video announcement” (WTF?) for tomorrow. Wants me to say “Daley’s stewardship” and I keep saying “sewer-shit.” 01:47:54 PM

If Axelrod says “… and action!” one more time like he’s Martin fucking Scorsese I’m going to cram his Flipcam into his fucking colon. 02:43:55 PM

If Axelrod doesn’t get back here with a Home Run Inn deep dish before the game starts, I’m going to dunk his fucking head in the fuck-tank. 06:36:59 PM

I received approximately two dozen Tweets in response to this one, pointing out that the Home Run Inn, a longtime Chicago pizza place on Chicago’s Southwest Side, doesn’t actually serve deep dish. Totally caught doing shitty research, the only reply I could come up with was “maybe not for YOU.”

Solis just stopped by and was all, “Oh, you guys are watching the game?” Now I’m chucking my chicken wing gristle at his huge fucking head. 08:25:29 PM

Danny Solis is an alderman in Chicago, and the head of the zoning commission.

Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock, could this Bears game be any more fucking boring? Helen Shiller plays better motherfucking ball than this. 09:00:37 PM

Helen Shiller is one of the more vocal left-leaning aldermen in Chicago.

Plouffe e-mailed to say that even if my listening tour tomorrow is spent listening to cock-bulbs complain about this game, I still have to go. 09:19:03 PM

Fucking dong-choke, if I was invited to a zoning board meeting right now I’d go in a heartbeat—has to be more exciting than this game. 09:26:03 PM

Fuck this game right in its fucking shit-sack. Axelrod had the right idea: He fell asleep in the middle of the first quarter. 10:32:43 PM

The Bears lost to the New York Giants 17–4 in a game that the Chicagoist called “the ugliest game we’ve ever seen.”

Listening Tour

Monday, October 4, 2010

I’m going to have to drink an entire fucking bottle of Purell when I get home from all this shit-blasting hand-shaking. 10:33:41 AM

This was the first day of Emanuel’s “Tell It Like It Is” tour of Chicago. Even though he was sent off from Washington in style—a hug from the president, even—he didn’t actually announce that he was running for mayor. This listening tour was the first event in a very orchestrated run-up to an official announcement.

Jesus shit-painting nut-Christ, February is way fucking far away. 04:08:05 PM

What I learned on today’s listening tour: You know what’s wrong with Chicago? Every fucking motherfucking thing. 04:32:28 PM

After consulting with this four-pack of Gossamer Ale, it’s decided: Axelrod’s mustache can do the fucking listening tour on its own tomorrow. 07:39:42 PM

Gossamer Ale is brewed by local Chicago craft brewers Half Acre. It is delicious.

Frick-fucking crimp-cramming dick-jammers. 08:26:45 PM

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Jesus fuck-chomping Christ, everything’s shit-shape today. 08:32:32 AM

Text from Plouffe: “Try to grimace less when shaking hands.” One of these days I’m going to give that motherfucker a reason to grimace. 08:47:01 AM

Who the fuck is in charge of cleaning the CTA stations? Because at this point I wouldn’t mind taking a fucking meeting with that asshole. 09:18:37 AM

The actual Rahm Emanuel visited every single CTA L station (the L is the public train system in Chicago, so named because much of the line is elevated aboveground) during his campaign, many of them multiple times. Most of them are not very clean.

Shitting-fuck-sausage. How do you fucking people eat like this? 11:58:00 AM

The early days of Emanuel’s listening tour seemed to be exclusively focused on public transportation and lunch places.

Please, fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top, stuff your camera into my face again, you fucking snatch-hole. 01:28:15 PM

Just fucking perfect: Axelrod’s Civic just broke down in Chinatown. Again. Cock-stump. 02:21:26 PM

This was the first appearance of Axelrod’s trusty 1994 Honda Civic. I have no idea what kind of car the real David Axelrod drives, or ever drove, but I owned a white ’94 Civic for years. This fictional car was based on that real one.

Manny Flores just drove by and chucked a can at me while Axelrod’s trying to change this tire. Fucking. Worst. Fucking. Day. Fucking. Ever. 03:10:45 PM

Manny Flores is a former alderman who now serves as the director of the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation. He was another early name in the mayoral race, going so far as to collect signatures for the ballot.

Christ, when this day is over, I’m going to devour an entire Eli’s fucking cheesecake like I’m a motherfucking Cathy cartoon. Ack! 03:32:5

When the Emanuel campaign released its campaign finance records in January, it turned out they’d spent almost $15,000 on Eli’s Cheesecake.

Shrimp-sock fish-cock. I’m done with this fucking day. 08:12:30 PM

Talk to the Cock

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Whichever one of you motherfuckers got me sick, you can go vote for Rickey fucking Hendon. To the rest of you—who’s got some fucking soup? 07:10:01 AM

Former State Senator Rickey Hendon was another early name in the mayoral race. Hendon, a longtime presence in the local and state political scene, resigned his seat in February 2011. On a national level, he’s probably best known for getting into an argument about a vote with Barack Obama, when they both were state senators, that reportedly ended with Obama having “to be physically restrained.”

Sick, wearing nothing but a fucking bathrobe, going to meet with the Tribune Editorial Board. “That’s their dress code,” e-mails Plouffe. 10:10:17 AM

The same day that Emanuel was scheduled to meet with the influential paper’s editorial board, the New York Times dropped a major story about the Tribune Company, “At Flagging Tribune, Tales of a Bankrupt Culture.” It was a greatest-hits collection of sordid stories from the Tribune Tower, many circulating around the boorish behavior of then-Tribune company CEO Randy Michaels.

Apparently it’s just me and Randy Michaels in bathrobes at the Tribune Tower. The king of the fucking ass-clowns. Great. Thanks, Plouffe. 11:25:48 AM

Michaels keeps interrupting the board’s questions by standing up, opening his bathrobe and yelling “TALK TO THE COCK!!” Fucking fuck fuckers. 12:34:47 PM

I would rather punch myself in the cock every hour on the hour than have to sit through something that humiliating again. Fucktard Tower. 02:53:57 PM

Fucking fuck-shitting motherfucking shit-fuck motherfuckers. 03:17:34 PM

Yes, alderman, I am fucking delighted to have dinner at Harold’s Chicken Shack. These motherfucking arteries aren’t going to clog themselves. 05:54:01 PM

Waguespack keeps jogging by my house. Little short-shorts. I’m just standing in the front yard, birds up, waiting for the motherfucker. 07:49:31 PM

Alderman Scott Waguespack was another early contender in the mayoral race. In all, Progress Illinois, which tracked early movement in the race, had more than 40 names on its list of potential candidates.

And there he fucking goes a-fucking-gain: jog-jog-jog. WHAT THE FUCK?! 07:56:15 PM

I’m going to go for a jog up Waguespack’s motherfucking colon if he comes back around again. 08:03:52 PM

Fuck it. I’m fucking sick. I’m fucking tired. It’s a fucking “America’s Sweethearts” kind of night. 09:59:54 PM

Fucking Fund-raising

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up. 07:28:54 AM

Dow over 11,000 on the same day I’m going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker’s pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta! 08:02:21 AM

Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the most visible member of the Pritzker family, one of the richest families in America. It seems like almost everything in Chicago, from the bandshell in Millennium Park to a public school to a military museum, is named after the Pritzkers. Penny donates a lot of time and money to political candidates, including her own former service as the finance chair of Obama’s presidential campaign (and she was at one point considered to be a top contender for commerce secretary). She also serves on a number of high-profile nonprofit boards in Chicago and, after Emanuel was elected mayor, was appointed to the Chicago Board of Education.

Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she’s Scrooge McDuck. We’ve been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious. 11:19:38 AM

Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I’ve got some fucking hands to shake. 12:11:04 PM

Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I’ve seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties? 12:30:40 PM

OK, West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you’ll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn’s vagina. 01:10:34 PM

Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi—getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks. 04:05:56 PM

That’s Alexi Giannoulias, Democratic candidate for Senate, who was running to fill Barack Obama’s old seat, a seat the GOP desperately wanted to win. Giannoulias, the candidate Democrats chose to defend it, found himself embroiled in controversy surrounding his family’s failed bank (it was shut down by the FDIC two weeks after Giannoulias won the Democratic primary). In a year in which the economy and federal bank bailout played heavily in the election, it wasn’t a great situation to be in.

If Obama doesn’t show soon, I’m out. Have been stuck inside the Giannoulias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now. 05:34:28 PM

Emanuel was actually not at the Giannoulias fund-raiser. In fact, according to ABC 7, “Emanuel was told to keep a low profile so as not to upstage the president and Alexi Giannoulias.”

Alexi is “entertaining” the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He’s up to seventeen. 05:59:01 PM

Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that’s four hours of my life I’m never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long. 07:42:27 PM

By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirty-fucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate. 07:51:16 PM

The Regensteins, like the Pritzkers, are another hyper-wealthy Chicago family. They even have an ape house named after them. I have no idea who “Mama” Regenstein is.

Fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired. 10:22:57 PM

Public Servant

Friday, October 8, 2010

Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers. 07:01:29 AM

Strategy session. Axelrod thinks “I want to be like motherfucking Rahm” is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan. 08:49:21 AM

Bulls legend Michael Jordan was featured in a series of Gatorade commercials in the 1990s where kids proclaimed they wanted to “be like Mike.”

Axelrod also dismissed Ari’s idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck. 09:09:02 AM

The 1996 film Space Jam featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons. IMDb spells out the plot succinctly: “Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.” So there’s that.

Axelrod says no way: “Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm.” 09:20:47 AM

How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday? 03:47:30 PM

The listening tour continued.

Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the L or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worse, both? 03:51:54 PM

I will tell you this though: stand on a fucking L platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant! 04:04:05 PM

I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it’s Friday on @foursquare. 04:13:40 PM

Axelrod’s on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of “2012.” TGIMFF. 06:24:11 PM

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I’ve got to hit 13 farmer’s markets. Here’s a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck. 08:47:35 AM

Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another winter squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmer’s markets. 05:20:29 PM

Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers? Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking nonstop? 06:11:24 PM

Long-Distance Runner

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Christ, I’m going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren’t I? First sign of bloody nipples and I’m fucking GONE. 08:47:30 AM

The first Chicago Marathon was run on Saturday, September 23, 1905, less than a decade after the first Olympic marathon. Some 38,132 runners ran in the 2010 race.

I know I’m supposed to say you’re all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Clif Bar at mile fucking three. 09:15:19 AM

Congratulations, marathon runners! You’re 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement! 05:19:23 PM

Axelrod’s mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38. 07:18:18 PM

Just looked over Plouffe’s itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again? 09:23:28 PM

Talk to the Disembodied Hand

Monday, October 11, 2010

So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city am I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour? 08:14:35 AM

I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary? 09:26:29 AM

The pepper-and-egg is a uniquely Chicagoan breakfast: it’s scrambled eggs and green peppers stuffed inside a toasted French bread roll. Mozzarella cheese is optional. Local history assigns the invention of the pepper-and-egg sandwich to the influx of Catholic immigrants from Italy looking for a meal to replace meat on Fridays during Lent. Like many Chicago culinary delights, it is incredibly delicious. And it will kill you dead one day.

Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day. 09:33:14 AM

Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done. 05:38:33 PM

Hey, Sauganash, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I’m busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else. 05:43:42 PM

Sauganash is a neighborhood on the far northwest side of the city.

Fucking seriously, doesn’t Flores have any “listening” to do? Come on: Carol Moseley Braun doesn’t have to “listen” to any motherfuckers? 06:02:54 PM

That would be one-term Senator Carol Moseley Braun, the first (and only) African-American woman elected to the US Senate. Elected to the Senate in 1992, she served as ambassador to New Zealand after she lost reelection, and briefly ran for the Democratic nomination for president in 2004. Since then, she’s maintained a low profile, running a small coffee and tea import business in Chicago called Ambassador Organics. Her entrance into the mayoral race, which happened before Emanuel’s, took many by surprise, as she’d effectively been out of local politics since her Senate win.

Yet here I am fucking “listening” to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day. 06:05:04 PM

New slogan: “Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel ’11.” 06:09:17 PM

Mayor Daley leased the rights to the parking meters in a spectacularly awful 75-year deal worth $1.16 billion. While the sketchy specifics of the actual deal were reported widely after the fact, what most people were up in arms about was the fact that it replaced meters with pay boxes, and you’d have to walk an entire half-block to pay. People were really pissed about that.

Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can’t-Fucking-Stand-You Days. 08:59:28 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second. 08:12:56 AM

Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking Christ, I’ll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day. 12:59:35 PM

Vice President Joe Biden came to Chicago to stump for Illinois Governor Pat Quinn, who took over as governor when Rod Blagojevich was arrested for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat. Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

Would someone fucking pledge to WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up? 05:10:32 PM

WBEZ is the major public radio station in Chicago.

The “Stuck in a Mine” Strategy

Fuck yes, you Chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes. 11:00:01 PM

News had just broken that 33 Chilean miners, stuck in a collapsed gold and copper mine for 69 days, were about to be rescued.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

New slogan: “Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean miners. Vote Rahm.” 08:49:19 AM

I’ve got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke’s lower fucking intestine. 08:55:23 AM

If you need me today, I’ll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby. 09:35:22 AM

Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my “stuck in a mine” strategy. (1) don’t have to shake fucking hands; (2) in 90 days you’ll love me. 05:01:22 PM

Axelrod just came over and we’re both wearing hard hats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 6” hole. This is the life. 05:41:28 PM

You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 6” hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking turkey through. 07:58:27 PM

I find the Chilean miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we’re going to send ’em all back down, right? Fuck yes. 08:00:54 PM

So everyone’s up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat … now what? 10:25:59 PM

Every miner was brought up, one at a time, from the mine in a 21?-diameter capsule, a ride that took 15 minutes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I woke up with a hard hat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling, and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness. 07:34:50 AM

I know it’s not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wish they’d continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever. 07:36:51 AM

What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing. 07:41:46 AM

New slogan: “Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor.” 07:45:33 AM

A Field of Dong-Tards and Shit-Eaters

I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent. 12:42:33 PM

Lisa Madigan, the attorney general for Illinois and daughter of the power broker of the statehouse, Speaker of the House Mike Madigan, was another name high on the list of possible mayoral contenders. While there was a great deal of media attention and public support for the idea of her entering the race, she officially announced on Chicago Public Radio that she was out.

Is it too late to get in on the fucking attorney general race? Come on, Madigan, let’s do this! Don’t leave me with Hendon and Flores. 03:33:50 PM

Flores had actually dropped out of the race four days before, a fact that I’d completely missed.

Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it’s going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shiteaters. 03:38:09 PM

Seriously, a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING. 03:43:31 PM

New slogan: “Vote Rahm: Because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys.” 03:58:10 PM

If I’d have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I’d have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms. 04:10:46 PM

Enter the Intern

Friday, October 15, 2010

Right about now I’m getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf. 08:40:10 AM

Fucking Friday night fucking starts fucking right fucking now. 04:02:17 PM

So the e-mail started “Dear First Name.” That was Plouffe’s quick fix to the original: “Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards.” 05:20:48 PM

The early days of the real Emanuel campaign were not the smoothest. Their first e-mail blast, sent Friday afternoon, was addressed to “Dear First Name.”

Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm. 05:27:52 PM

Dear First Name, Who’s got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn’t give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy. 05:34:08 PM

I have no idea if the real Rahm Emanuel is a heavy drinker, but @MayorEmanuel sure was.

Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we’re going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard. 05:40:25 PM

“The intern is a cocktard” was the first mention of a soon-to-be central character in this story, invented entirely thanks to the Dear First Name e-mail.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting. 08:39:00 AM

Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker’s liver is made of motherfucking Teflon. 11:03:50 AM

Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun. 01:05:09 PM

Shitwork

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I’m sleeping until goddamn noon. 08:59:21 AM

Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears. 02:47:05 PM

The Bears lost to the Seattle Seahawks, 23–20.

I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies. 10:31:29

The aforementioned Pat Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Shit-shaking dong-stompers. 08:27:47 AM

Really, what’s a few motherfucking million raised? Don’t fucking worry, Dart, I’m sure someone will give you some cash at some point. 03:47:09 PM

Rumors were beginning to circulate in the press that Emanuel had already raised millions—even before officially declaring that he was a candidate for mayor. His fund-raising prowess significantly complicated the life of anyone attempting to run against him.

Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod’s mustache announced it was taking the week off. 08:46:48 PM

Seriously, if that motherfucking ’stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I’m going to lose it. 08:48:20 PM

That’d be James Meeks, a mayoral candidate, Illinois state senator and pastor of the 24,000-member Salem Baptist Church in Chicago’s Pullman neighborhood on the far South Side. To the best of my knowledge, he never had a meeting with David Axelrod’s mustache.

Axelrod says it’s just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms? 08:50:53 PM

Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow. 08:54:38 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I’m going to close my eyes and imagine a coffeepot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower. 08:00:16 AM

Chicago’s Sears Tower, the tallest building in America (and at one point, the world), was renamed the Willis Tower in 2009 when a London-based insurance broker took over three of the building’s 110 floors. Everyone still calls it the Sears Tower, except apparently a handful of assholes on Twitter, who have to point out that it’s actually called the Willis Tower now. It’s fun to fuck with them.

You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck. 12:04:33 PM

For all the aldermen, cabinet secretaries, and other little-known names that are dropped in this story, the littlest known has to be Billy Dec. A club owner in Chicago, he briefly entered Chicago political consciousness in the lead-up to Chicago’s failed bid for the 2016 Olympics, when he posted YouTube videos of himself with various celebrities, asking them how they felt about the Olympics coming to Chicago.

Jesus fucking Christ, apparently it’s take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day. 12:09:22 PM

Fuck me. He’s wearing his “dressy” baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic. 12:17:06 PM

That was a half hour I’ll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe—tasty! 12:43:10 PM

Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I’m slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod’s Civic. 02:41:31 PM

Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb. 07:36:52 PM

Alexi Giannoulias’s opponent was Republican Mark Kirk.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness. 08:04:29 AM

While Emanuel did tour public schools that week, he didn’t do it with Ron Huberman. Huberman was the CEO of the Chicago Public Schools, having taken over the position after Arne Duncan moved to Washington, DC. He would resign his position on November 29, 2010.

Axelrod tells me it’s not a word but Jesus fucking Christ it’s going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools. 02:36:15 PM

In fact, the Chicago Public Schools face a deficit of around $750 million.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I’ve asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I’m still lying here. “I’ll be right over!” 07:12:10 AM

Christ, I’m so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last Tweet: fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already. 07:33:11 AM

So Ari is throwing me a fund-raiser soon, except he keeps calling it a “fuck-raiser.” I don’t even know what that fucking means. He scares me. 07:40:46 AM

Ari is, of course, Ari Emanuel, Rahm’s younger brother and a major power player in the entertainment industry. He’s the inspiration for the Ari Gold character in the TV show Entourage. If you’ve seen the show, that means you now know more about Ari Emanuel than I do. The press reported that Ari would throw a fund-raiser for Emanuel in LA on November 4.

But, I’d rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today’s might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy. 07:54:14 AM

Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I’m going to fuck you in the fucking face today. 08:28:08 AM

Dart Rules!

If Dart’s rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod’s Civic one more time, I’m going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula. 03:36:22 PM

Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart’s goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it’s motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck. 05:50:53 PM

Sheriff Woody from “Toy Story” is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. “There’s a motherfucking snake in my boot.” 06:05:43 PM

Friday, October 22, 2010

Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood. 07:24:15 AM

I’m going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better. 04:06:23 PM

Chicago, it’s really fucking easy: Put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it’s fucking Friday. 04:34:00 PM

Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We’re going to TP the living shit out of Dart’s house! 06:50:41 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2010

If you think I’m getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you’re out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind. 12:09:17 PM

The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What’s next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Walmart? 01:43:44 PM

Emanuel made an appearance at the blocks-long lineup for the grand opening of the Apple Store in Chicago’s wealthy Lincoln Park neighborhood. The Walmart in Pullman (the first to open in Chicago) will open in 2013—I would expect that Emanuel will in fact be there.

And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park. 01:47:55 PM

Who wants a MacBook Air with a side of asshole? Order fucking up. 01:55:14 PM

Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out of my asshole, Lincoln Park! 07:16:54 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hey, Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It’s motherfucking incredible out here. 01:00:28 PM

I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twatlicious! 03:17:38 PM

Cameos too—you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, “Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple.” 03:31:33 PM

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole. 07:26:36 AM

Axelrod’s mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back. 06:37:49 PM

Batten down the hatches, motherfuckers! 08:19:10 PM

The news had been filled with warnings about a coming windstorm—2,200 miles long, with hurricane-speed winds.

Axelrod’s refusing to come up from the basement. Pretty sure that motherfucker’s eaten most of the canned peaches. Fuck me. 08:28:49 PM

Axelrod’s calling up from the basement, telling me I shouldn’t be up on the roof yelling, “BRING IT ON, YOU WINDY MOTHERFUCKERS.” 10:34:05 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

COME ON YOU FUCKING WEATHER, IS THIS THE BEST YOU FUCKING GOT? 07:49:06 AM

Now there’s motherfucking blue motherfucking skies out there. This goddamn wind storm can fucking blow me. 10:23:52 AM

In Chicago, the much-hyped windstorm didn’t amount to much. The Chicago Tribune reported that, “It was hard for some in the city—where the weather was cloudy and blustery—to reconcile what they saw with descriptions of this being ‘the largest storm in decades.’” That would be because it wasn’t.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

C-fuck-O-fuck-F-fuck-F-fuck-E-fuck-E. 07:13:21 AM

So I see that motherfucker Dart got that shit-box I sent him. 10:49:24 AM

Hey, Chicago, meet the new motherfucking sheriff in town. 10:51:25 AM

Tom Dart announced that he would not seek the office of mayor, citing the impact it would have on his family. He remains the sheriff of Cook County.

A Field of Fucking Pussies

Strategy session: do we just hold the fucking election early? Or do we not fucking bother at all? Seems like a fucking formality now. 10:54:34 AM

Axelrod’s telling me I need to do more at this news conference than let them film my motherfucking victory lap. 12:47:50 PM

Dear Chicago, I’m sorry that 21 years of Daley gave you a field of fucking pussies. And me. 06:18:12 PM

But really, when I look at this fucking pathetic field and the most credible candidate casts dicks in cement, I mostly feel sorry for you. 06:31:31 PM

So in an election that was not wanting for characters, an early candidate was Cynthia Albritton, better known as Cynthia Plaster Caster, an artist who made a name for herself casting the penises of musicians. For real. The song “Plaster Caster,” by Kiss? That’s about her. She dubbed her political party “The Hard Party” and distributed pins urging voters to “Erect Cynthia Plaster Caster for Mayor.” Unfortunately, she never turned in signatures to officially get on the ballot.

New slogan: “I mostly feel sorry for you, you pathetic fucking shit-tards. Emanuel ’11.” 06:41:02 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2010

When I finish this cup of coffee, I’m going to dump the filter and fuck the grinds. 07:04:17 AM

13 voice mails from Hendon yesterday reminding me that he was a “real” candidate. No you’re not, Rickey. No you’re fucking not. 07:53:13 AM

New slogan: “Your other choice is Rickey fucking Hendon. Emanuel ’11.” 08:08:07 AM

Axelrod just came over with a fuck-it bucket of chicken. This night just got a whole motherfucking lot better. 08:53:00 PM

The Halloween Party

Friday, October 29, 2010

Holy Jesus fucking Christ-hole, I have a massive chicken hangover. 08:36:48 AM

Shit-fucking fuck-shitters, it’s motherfucking cold out here! 09:07:04 AM

Fuck you, you fucking motherfuckers, it’s finally motherfucking Friday. 04:39:35 PM

Supposed to go to a Halloween party at Carl the Intern’s apartment tonight. Word is Shiller’s wearing a “sexy can of fruit” outfit. Fuck. 04:58:03 PM

The “Dear First Name” intern finally got a first name of his own: Carl. As it turns out there’s a cartoon called Phineas & Ferb that also has an intern named Carl in it. Pure coincidence—Carl is apparently just a very good name for an intern.

Also, fucking Flores is supposed to be there. Assuming he’s going dressed as a ten-year-old girl because that’s what he looks like anyway. 05:07:01 PM

Jody Weis is supposed to be there too. That stupid motherfucker always comes to this shit in his uniform—“I’m going as a hero.” Fuck off. 05:17:09 PM

Me, I’m going as Mr. Schuester from “Glee.” I love that motherfucking show so fucking much it fucking scares me sometimes. 05:40:28 PM

There were moments in the @MayorEmanuel feed where I’d introduce an idea with the intention of picking it up again. Rahm Emanuel: diehard Glee fan was one of those, but it never really came together, except for another single reference months later.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I would try to sum up my night, but I’ll just leave it at “Who wants to open up this can of fruit?” Holy shit-fucking-Christ-fuck. 08:31:14 AM

The scariest part of Halloween this year is the realization that I’m going to be voting for motherfucking Alexi in three days. BOO! 11:58:15 AM

All Hallows’ Eve

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Just bought a little fake blood sprayer I can attach to my finger stump. These fucking trick-or-treat kids will shit their diapers. 09:34:34 AM

Guy came to my door in the most fucking amazing Zombie Pat Quinn outfit. Then I realized it was actually just sad-shitting Quinn himself. 02:24:59 PM

Holy fuck, I’ve eaten so much candy corn that I think I can see through motherfucking time! 06:09:44 PM

Caught in a fucking candy-corn haze. Jean Baptiste Point Du Sable and Papa Bear Halas are dancing. Axelrod’s mustache sings like an angel. 08:51:02 PM

Du Sable was the first recorded resident of Chicago, living there in early 1790. George “Papa Bear” Halas was the head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1922 to, impossibly, 1967. His other nickname was “Mr. Everything,” which is super awesome.

John Belushi and Harold Washington are swimming in the river. Their bodies bleed together in the dark murk of the water. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. 09:04:20 PM

Harold Washington—referred to in deferential tones simply as “Harold”—was the first African-American mayor of Chicago. Elected in 1983, he died in office in 1987. Comedian John Belushi was one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live. He died from a drug overdose in 1982.

I look out the window and the Hancock and the Sears reach out and kiss each other tenderly. My fucking tears taste like celery salt. 09:15:12 PM

The stars are red and the sky is striped with blue. I baptize myself in the lake’s frigid waters. I AM REFUCKINGBORN. 10:32:40 PM

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where the fuck am I? What the fuck happened last night? And why the fuck am I wearing nothing but Payton’s retired jersey? 08:00:45 AM

That’d be Walter “Sweetness” Payton, the legendary Chicago Bear.

I’m on a roof. All I see up here with me is the head of Benny the Bull and about 700 motherfucking Brady for Gov yard signs. Uh … help? 08:35:24 AM

Bill Brady was running on the Republican ticket for governor of Illinois.

OK, I’m on the roof of the Museum of Science and Industry. Axelrod’s got a ladder set up. Fucking Christ, I’ve gotta lay off the sugar. 09:00:53 AM

The Motherfucking Midterms

I would rather wet my ballsack and stick it to a frozen fucking flagpole than vote for Quinn and Alexi tomorrow. But I will anyway. 06:41:18 PM

I know it’s not a ringing fucking endorsement, but seriously: they’re both as dumb as a sack of cocks. But the other guys are dumber. 06:55:21 PM

Claypool actually seems like a smart motherfucker. Or maybe it’s just that Berrios makes me vomit into my fucking mouth whenever I see him. 10:36:46 PM

Never knew the candidates in the Cook County assessor’s race? Now you do: Forrest Claypool and Joe Berrios.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just voted. Yep, that felt just as shitty as I thought it would. Ah, motherfucking democracy. 07:23:33 AM

Alexi just called to thank me, except it came out sounding like “Tankoo f’ya vode.” I get dumber every time I talk with that motherfucker. 11:40:52 AM

Axelrod and I are debating whether it makes more sense to get drunk now or wait until West Coast polls close. Fuck it. Now. 05:59:51 PM

The seven-o’clock polls on the East Coast were about to close. The Democratic bloodbath of the 2010 midterm elections was about to begin. And @MayorEmanuel and Axelrod were about to get very, very drunk.

I present to you the new motherfucking congressperson from Kentucky, Rand Paul. And people wondered why I got out when I did. 06:07:31 PM

Rand Paul’s Senate victory was the first of many GOP upsets of the night. The speed with which updates were happening made it difficult to keep up. That’s my best excuse for my mistake of moving Paul from the Senate to the House.

Holy motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, we do not have anywhere near enough alcohol to get us through this fucking night. 06:10:08 PM

You know, it’s really not that the Republicans are going to win tonight, it’s that the ones who will are all motherfucking crazy. 06:25:07 PM

Axelrod is insisting that Paul is a senator, not a congressperson. I’m insisting that he pour me another dozen drinks before I accept it. 06:34:13 PM

And my Paul mistake was corrected.

You know shit is bad when your highlight reel has to include a guy who won against a motherfucking antimasturbation ass-crazy witch. 07:21:27 PM

Delaware was announced for Democrat Chris Coons, beating GOP candidate Christine O’Donnell, who had somehow managed to spend much of the campaign explaining past antimasturbation speeches and denying that she was a witch.

The New Democratic Party: We can beat the shit out of wrestlers and witches. Regular old nutjobs? Not so fucking much. 07:36:48 PM

Connecticut was called for Democrat Richard Blumenthal, beating the Republican candidate, Linda McMahon, whose prior experience was running World Wrestling Entertainment.

Wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and West Virginia. Someone want to chalk one up in a motherfucking state that motherfucking counts? 07:55:57 PM

Fax from Plouffe is coming in now. It just reads “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU …” I’m assuming a C-K will come in eventually. 08:03:00 PM

Axelrod just went out to get more beer and about 75 fuck-it buckets of chicken. This night calls for a good old-fashioned deep-fry wallow. 08:22:09 PM

That Rand Paul speech almost made me choke on my own motherfucking vomit. Six years of that asshole. Six fucking years. 08:25:45 PM

Contemplating snapping my cock in a mousetrap. Has to be better than the rest of these fucking results. 08:47:32 PM

Yep, it was. Might need a motherfucking Band-Aid though. 08:54:31 PM

How is it that motherfucking Colorado is emerging as the most sane fucking state in the union? 09:28:08 PM

Colorado bucked the overall anti-Democrat trend of the night, electing a Democratic governor and retaining its Democratic senator.

I know it’s great if Alexi wins, but seriously: we’ll all have to stare at his dumb fucking face for the next six years. 09:39:27 PM

Making a call to Feingold, trying to get that asshole over here to drink with me and Axelrod. What the fuck else does he have to do now? 09:40:34 PM

Russ Feingold, longtime reformer and political maverick, had just lost the Senate seat he had held in Wisconsin since 1993.

Seriously, Russ, it shouldn’t have been motherfucking you. 09:54:52 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t fucking take it. Axelrod switched over to reruns of “Night Court,” and I’m not changing it back. 10:02:29 PM

Just interrupted “Night Court” to say the Dems will lose the House. Hope the next interruption is to tell me that the night is fucking dark. 10:20:11 PM

Just four years before, Emanuel had become Democratic Caucus chairman of the House after the Democrats regained control of that chamber.

If that crazy fucking motherfucking fucking Sharron fucking Angle fucking wins, I’m fucking done with motherfucking democracy. 10:27:40 PM

Sharron Angle was the GOP candidate in Nevada, looking to unseat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. She was, by most accounts, pretty fucking crazy.

Hey, Meg Whitman, you can buy anything, but you can’t buy motherfucking backbone. 10:42:44 PM

Meg Whitman was the Republican candidate for Senate in California. It had just been announced that she had lost her self-financed $163 million campaign. Why not send her out with a nice Rushmore reference?

Feingold just got here. That motherfucker is seriously in a bad place. But things are looking up: “Hey, is that ‘Night Court’? Awesome.” 10:57:46 PM

You know, I’d feel a lot better about the Democrats retaining the goddamn Senate if they’d all pull their fucking fists out of their asses. 11:03:58 PM

I’m just going to say it right now: The Boehner/boner jokes are too fucking easy. Motherfucking amateur motherfucking hour. 11:14:53 PM

This didn’t stop Twitter from lighting up with those very jokes almost immediately after John Boehner was announced as the new Speaker of the House.

Shit motherfucking fuck shitting shit fuckers. Fucking shitbagging tea shitters. Fuck fucking fuck motherfuck. Shit shitting shittingshit. 11:21:11 PM

@MayorEmanuel doesn’t take lightly the announcement that the Democrats have lost Obama’s former Senate seat.

Alexi was a dumb fucking sack of shit. But he was OUR dumb fucking sack of shit. 11:28:39 PM

So it comes down to hoping that Harry fucking Reid pulls off Nevada? Is there a Chicago on some tropical fucking island I can be mayor of? 11:47:26 PM

Congratulations on the win, Harry, you colossally boring, old fucking man. 11:56:54 PM

Harry Reid held his seat in Nevada, and the Democrats held onto a slim majority in the Senate.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

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