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From Chapter 4: he's just not into you if he's not having sex with you

The "He's Afraid to Get Hurt Again" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I had a boyfriend ten years ago. I bumped into him on the street recently, after not having seen him for many years, and we start "dating" again, even though it is unclear if that's exactly what's going on. He won't kiss me or make a pass at me. But, Greg, we're going salsa dancing, we're going barhopping, we're staying out late, talking and dancing and laughing and flirting. He keeps telling me how great I look, how great it is to see me. One night he even told me he loved me and hoped I'd always be in his life. My friends all say he's just afraid to get hurt again and I should stick this one out. He's a great guy. Doesn't he seem really into me, but he's scared? Salsa dancing, Greg, till four in the morning. Salsa dancing. Please advise.

Nicole

Hey Salsa,

I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts. Is he scared? Yes, he's scared of hurting your feelings. That's why he hasn't clarified the relationship. He may even be biding his time hoping he will develop deeper feelings for you. When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook. He loves you as a friend. If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences. I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves.

There are lots of reasons a man might not want to take a friendship to the "next level." It really doesn't matter what they are or if they make any sense to you. The bottom line is that when he imagines being with you more intimately (and trust me, we do think about these things), he pauses and then says to himself, "Nah." Don't spend any more time thinking about it, other than saying to yourself, "His loss."

Text copyright © 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo