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Excerpts

From: Summer

"Is it or is it not the end?"

This first season is full of vacillation. Whether you have just ended the relationship or it is about to end, at least one of the partners is probably full of doubt. Maybe one of you can't make a commitment, is too controlling, or is simultaneously involved with someone else. Summer's ambivalence and confusion may stem from other roots. Maybe you feel strongly that this relationship won't work out, but you just can't end it. Perhaps you've already ended it, or your partner has left you, but you can't stop thinking about whether it should have ended.

The end of a relationship is complicated by the fact that the coming apart takes place on many levels. There is a physical separation that may include getting your personal belongings back, moving, an absence of daily contact, or a change in your day-to-day activities. Emotionally you are in turmoil, because the reality hasn't sunk in yet. You may imagine you are in the middle of a bad dream, that soon you'll awaken and find everything the way it was. Even if you saw the end coming, it's still a shock. You might initially feel relief, but this is followed by the uncertainty and pain of letting go.

When you have been "dumped," the experience is intensified and embellished by feelings of anger, betrayal, abandonment, and disappointment. Equivocation and self-doubt color everything.

We are about to begin a journey together. It is a journey that includes revisiting the good and the bad of the relationship. Along the way you will be asked to examine who you were when the relationship began, what your needs were, and what motivated you to enter into this relationship. This may bring up old wounds, wounds that have been waiting to be healed. We will walk through the feelings together. Before you try any of these exercises, take a moment to quietly settle into a comfortable spot. Take a deep breath, read the following questions, and then write down anything and everything that comes to mind. Don't plan your thoughts; simply share them as if you were telling a dear friend.

The following questions bring you back to the beginning of the relationship. Take yourself back to the time when the relationship began. Close your eyes and let your mind fill in the details of that phase of your life. Think about the texture of your life; the questions you asked yourself and the dreams you had.

What was happening in your life just prior to meeting your loved one? How were you emotionally? Mentally?

Retrospect

Thanks for
what will be
the memory
if it is.
-- Robert Creeley

What were you working on in your life?

What were your goals?

Where and how did you meet or get together?

Copyright © 2003 by Sarah La Saulle, Ph.D., and Sharon Kagan, M.F.A., M.A.