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INTRODUCTION

Dear Reader,

The Lord has commanded me to write a celebrity pet book. Like a good little church worker, I always try to follow all of God's commandments that I like. I remember His voice quite clearly as it came to me several years ago while I was polishing the Luger I'd bought from a former U€'boat commander. The conversation, as near as I recall, went something like this:

GOD: Kinkstah! KF: Start talkin'. GOD: I am the Lord Thy God. KF: Shit. I thought you were my agent. GOD: In a sense, I suppose, I am thy agent. Let's see. I believe you're up to twenty-seven books. That's twenty-two more than Moses. KF: Twenty-eight! I've written twenty-eight! GOD: Hold the weddin', son. You don't really expect me to count that last one where you throw the lesbian off the bridge and then kill yourself? Lesbians are my children too, you know. KF: Who is this? GOD: In this time of great trouble in the land, like everything and everyone else, book sales are suffering. The only books that are selling are books about celebrities and books about pets, and, of course, my book's still doing pretty well. KF: Sure your book's doing well -- it was ghostwritten by Janet Evanovich. GOD: (chuckles good-naturedly) Kinkstah! I command you to write a celebrity pet book! And I command you to do it without including Paris Hilton and her pretentious pedigreed poodle! KF: What! That's impossible! It can't be done! GOD: Thus saith the Lord!

And so, dear reader, that was exactly how it went, and here you are reading the author's introduction and wondering where the hell is Paris Hilton and her pretentious pedigreed poodle, and now you know why they aren't in the book. As for the people and pets who did make the cut, however, I can say only this: "Some are dead and some are living, and in my life I've loved them all."

Kinky Friedman
Texas Hill Country
Jan. 10, 2009

Copyright © 2009 by Kinky Friedman