Books : So Hard to Say : Excerpts

Chapter 2: Frederick

The pen girl (I couldn't figure out her name) reminds me of my best friend back home, Janice -- funny, smart, nice hair, and kind of loud, but in a good way.

It's always been easier for me to make friends with girls. I'm not sure why.

I did say hi to a couple of guys today, but they only replied, "'Sup?" and turned away as if I was weird for talking to them.

It's the opposite of my school in Wisconsin, where I knew almost everybody. We'd all grown up together. I couldn't walk three steps down the hall without someone talking to me. Here everyone already has their own cliques.

I wish we hadn't moved. What if I never make any friends?

It would probably help if I spoke Spanish, since so many people here are Mexican. They constantly switch languages. The only thing I know how to say is Taco Bell. I doubt that would score me any points.

At lunch I looked for Pen Girl but she sat surrounded by her friends. It felt too strange to just carry my tray up and ask, "Hey, can I sit with you?"

So instead I ended up sitting by myself -- and feeling like a freak.

After lunch, on the way to my locker, I did notice this one Mexican boy who looked friendly. He was laughing with a group of girls and was small like me, except tan, with brown hair and eyes -- and dimples in his cheeks. I'm not sure what attracted my attention to him. Sometimes I just notice people.

He saw me and did a double take, like he thought I was somebody he knew. I glanced over my shoulder thinking maybe he was looking at someone else. But when I gazed back he was still staring at me, his dimples growing even deeper as his grin grew wider.

My heart started racing and my chest tightening. Suddenly I wanted to leave. But why? Hadn't I wanted to talk to another guy? Yeah, but there was something about him. I wasn't sure what.

Just then a bunch of rowdy boys walked by, hissing and hooting at Dimple Guy in Spanish. Although I didn't know what they were saying, from the way they waved their wrists I could guess they were calling him gay.

Dimple Dude yelled something back at the boys as they swaggered past. And I hurried to my locker thinking, What if I'd been caught talking to him? That would've been suicide, especially my first day at a new school.

At the end of the day Mom picked me up. "Hi, honey. How did it go?"

"It sucked," I told her, climbing into the car.

Of course, that sent her into Mom overdrive. "What happened, honey? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. It was okay, I guess."

"Well," Mom said. "It takes a while to fit in. You'll make new friends soon." She reached over and stroked the back of my neck like she usually does. Normally I like it, but not when parked in front of the whole world.

"Mom!" I ducked down in the seat. "Can we go now, please?"

She'd made plans for us to show Dad the new house we'd found. (Meanwhile we were living in a hotel.) Since Dad had already started his new job, Mom and I were in charge of finding a home to buy. We'd seen about a dozen places before Mr. Garcia, our real estate agent, had shown us this one.

Mom and I really liked the layout and interior detailing -- with hallway skylights and granite countertops. I always notice stuff like that. Dad says I should study in college to become a designer, but I haven't decided yet.

Sometimes at the supermarket I'll get a design magazine and flip through the pages, thinking how I'd do a room with different furniture or colors. I guess I'm weird that way. With my guy friends back home I'd play along with combat video games, but what I really liked was sketching house plans, buildings, and stuff. Maybe that's why I've always been better friends with girls.

When Mom and I arrived in the driveway of the white stucco town house, Dad and Mr. Garcia, a big guy with a thick black mustache, were already waiting.

I led Dad through each room, pointing out where everything should go. "We could put the sofa here...and your chair there. It's perfect -- and only six blocks from school, so I wouldn't even have to take the bus. Come check out the counter space in the kitchen!"

In our old house Mom always complained that the counter space wasn't enough. I noticed it too, the times when I made everyone breakfast.

I like to cook. My specialty is omelets -- mushroom, ham and cheese...I like to experiment with different kinds. Usually they turn out really good, except for the disaster I filled with popcorn. Not even Dad would eat it, and he was pretty hungry.

After the kitchen I showed him the den. "This could be Mom's office. Right, Mom?" She's an accountant and sometimes works from home.

Upstairs I'd already picked out my bedroom. On one side a picture window looked over the back patio. Across the room a door opened to a huge closet -- great to organize my stuff.

My friend Janice (who Pen Girl reminds me of) says I'm a neat freak. She laughs because I arrange my clothes by color, but it looks really cool.

I hauled Dad to the master bedroom and pressed my finger against the windowpane. "Look, you can see the golf course at the foot of the hill."

I was sure that would win him over. Dad's a total golf fanatic. It's part of the reason when he got laid off he looked for a job someplace warmer. Even though I'm not crazy about golf, sometimes I like to go with him just to be together.

"Dad," I said, looking up at him. "We've got to get this place."

Dad's a lot taller than me -- over six feet. Apart from that, people say we look alike. I guess we do.

"All right." He patted me on the shoulder, laughing. "You sold me."

For the next hour Mr. Garcia wrote up a contract and called the seller's agent. I tried doing my homework but I was too wired to concentrate.

"When can we move in?" I asked on the drive to dinner.

Mom explained we'd have to wait for our offer to be accepted. "Hopefully we'll hear by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I groaned, not knowing if I could wait that long.

After we stopped for pizza, I rode with Dad. He asked me about school and gave me a pack of chocolate mints a coworker had given him as a welcome present. Dad's allergic to chocolate, which sucks for him, but it's great for me.

When we got to our tiny hotel suite, he let me use his laptop to get online with my Wisconsin friends. In addition to Janice (screen name: LifeHuggerXXOO), there's Marcie (SN: No_Broccoli_Please). Marcie's the complete opposite of Janice -- quiet, brainy, and a really fussy eater. Then there's William (GameBoy353), my best guy friend. He's a total gamer, constantly downloading new ones off the Web.

The four of us always hung out together, and even when apart constantly phoned or instant messaged each other. We also led my school's drama club. Before I left they gave me a mini Oscar statue as a going-away present since I was heading to California. I thought that was pretty funny.

Tonight I IM'd them about my sucky new school that I found out doesn't even have a drama club. And I told them about the awesome house. They caught me up on stuff back at home. Today marked ten days since the last time I'd seen them. It felt so great to talk I didn't want to log off. But because it's two hours later there, they had to go. The time-change thing really blows.

After finishing my homework I prepared my backpack for school and checked to make sure my pen worked, so I could return Pen Girl's.

A little later Mr. Garcia called to say the seller had accepted our offer on the house. I leaped off the couch, jumping up and down. Dad raised his arm, high-fiving me, and with his other arm hugged Mom. It was after eleven before we all finally calmed down. Dad helped me unfold the sleeping couch.

I climbed beneath the covers thinking about the different ways I might lay out the furniture in my new bedroom. Then I thought about school, dreading lunchtime and sitting by myself. Suddenly I thought of something else.

I got out of bed and put one of the chocolate mints Dad had given me next to Pen Girl's pen in my backpack. Then I climbed back beneath the covers and went to sleep.