Chapter One

Why I Wrote This Book and How to Use It

When my fascination with astrology began, it blew my mind how on target the info it provided was. It was like I'd suddenly been handed a psychological road map explaining the motivation that drove my enemies, friends, and family. Within months, I realized why a certain Sagittarius in my life saw fooling around behind his spouse's back as A-OK and why an Aquarian bud was great at giving advice but when it came to putting her words into action, well, that was a totally different story.

Fast forward a few years and I got my first job writing astrolgy advice at Bolt, a website for older teenagers (www.bolt.com). My editor there was one of the coolest people I've ever met. Instead of trying to downplay my somewhat over-the-top writing style, she told me to run with it.

"If you want to write about a wet dream, do it," she said, and the sense of freedom she gave me opened my eyes further to what this too-cool tool could do for others. I could share what I knew in my voice, without trying to edit out all the controversial bits I'm notorious for. My philosophy, which is pretty damn liberal, came through full force. Bolt was happy and I was happy.

I wanted to do more though. I wanted to give sexual strategies that weren't really appropriate for the "Omigawd, did you watch Buffy last night?" age group. That's where Cosmopolitan stepped in. The staff there wasn't embarrassed by my trash-talk: They actually liked it. My own wet dream of saying whatever the hell I wanted to was coming true. As Cosmo's astrologer, I could talk about bumping uglies, blow jobs, or whatever else popped into my bawdy brain. I still couldn't actually say blow job though, since I still had to mask my sexual stuff with Golden Girls-style innuendo. I didn't lose sleep over it though: Being Cosmopolitan's astrologer gave me access to opportunities I'd been hoping for. Along with Cosmopolitan, Cosmopolitan: All About Men, and CosmoGirl!, I've also written about astrology for the Lifetime network.

One thing was still missing though. When I talk, whether it's to my spouse, best friend, or Joe Blow at the corner 7-Eleven, I can't help but communicate like a truck driver. Who knows: Maybe I share some DNA in common with Jamie Lee Curtis, but I figure why say "Yeah," when "Fuck, yeah!!!" feels so much easier slipping off my tongue. It's not that I'm thinking about sex 24/7, it's just that I've always been an earthy kind of guy. Meanwhile, when doing research for a Cosmo pull-out book, I realized that most books about sexual astrology are almost as exciting as reading the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper. The info between the pages might be great but if it's written in a dull and dry manner, who the hell is going to read it? After weeks of complaining to my editor about the lack of pulse-pounding smutty astrology, she finally said, "Well, Stuart, why don't you get off your ass and write one yourself?" I took her advice, got off my ass, and wrote the book you're holding in your hot little hands.

Some words of warning: I believe in calling the shots as I see them and though many find this offensive, I've discovered that a lot of people talk the same way I do. In our country, it's cool to see someone's head chopped off in a Friday the 13th flick but forbidden to watch people bumping uglies. Why is this? I'm not sure but it's pretty damned ignorant: While almost everyone thinks about or engages in sex, unless you're a serial killer it's probably not all that important that you see someone's head severed from their bod. Don't get me wrong: I love horror flicks almost as much as I like sex. I just think that to allow seventeen-year-olds in to see American Psycho while the Ellen show is rated MA is amazingly lame. I mean, Showgirls sucked but the idea that jiggling tits or an erect dick is going to somehow corrupt America is so behind the times it's not even funny.

Astro 101

I wrote this book for everyday people, not the astrological elite. If you know what adjunct, sextile, and cusp mean put this book down because it's way too elemental for you. But if you're wanting a quick, sexual analysis of any sign -- whether you're aiming for an awesome one-night stand or a lifelong commitment -- this is the book for you. With that in mind, there are still a few things that deserve explanations before you jump in.

First, what the hell is a Sun sign? It's easy to figure out once you understand how astrology works. Based on where the Sun was at the time you were born, you're one of twelve different zodiac signs. Each has its own basic psychology and sexuality and each is decidedly different from one sign to the next. Once you've figured out the birth date of the object of your affections, track down the corresponding chapter. Once you're there, I give you all the information you need to impress and understand them. I even elaborate on things further: Each Sun sign is broken down into three groups, called decanates. This can help to refine your sexual strategy even further. Instead of trying to be super specific -- which isn't what astrology is all about -- I work in generalities. To accompany the sexual secrets, I also add psychological information about each sign and decanate. It's hard to be 100 percent certain that your Pisces will be going down on you on the first date but after reading the lowdown I've dished out, at least you should have a damn good idea. I also give pointers on how to get what you want from your in-the-sack conquest, but don't worry: You won't have to read between the lines to know exactly what I'm saying.

A few other things worth mentioning are that each sign is from one of four groups. I don't make a big deal out of this, just casually mention it in passing during each chapter, but if you want a quick lesson, here it is.

There are four elements and each holds three signs from the zodiac. Fire signs (Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius) are go-getters who love to take action. Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) are sensible and practical. Air signs (Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius) tend to have their head in the clouds and love to talk. Water signs, meanwhile, (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) are passionate with a strong sense of intuition.

Okay, lesson over -- and that wasn't so difficult, was it? Now, get to work: Look up your lover -- or lover to be -- in the pages between this tome: Although my writing style might be soft, we want to make sure something gets hard.

The Nitty-Gritty

Okay, if you're aiming to get your rocks off tonight, I'd skip this part, but if you want to fully understand everything I'm going to explain in future chapters, skimming over this blueprint will help illustrate what every section details.

1. Sex Stats: These lists are detailed compilations of everything that could possibly warm the form of your intended sign from their favorite drink to their ultimate sexual position.

2. Do You Know What You're in For?: This is where I deliver the dirt on every sign. Like Aries guys always seem to miss the toilet when they're pissing and if you're going to dump a Scorpio female, you'd better make damn sure you don't break the ties that bind in a public place. Get it? 'Nuff said.

3. Five Surefire Ways to Break the Ice: These are pickup lines that actually work. Forget lame intros like, "I wish you were a plastic horse outside Kmart so I could drop a quarter in you and ride you all night long," and use these sexual strategies instead.

4. Refining Your Sexual Strategy -- The Subrulers: The plot of your intended amour thickens in this area as I break down each sign into three different sections. Depending on when the Capricorn in question was born, you might be faced with a chica who's 100 percent businesswoman or a girl who's got a wild streak a mile long.

5. Sexual Synergy: So how's the sex going to be between you and your intended? I tell it like it is in this section and explain if your coitus will be more fun than a trip to Disney World, just okay, or more boring than a Who's the Boss? marathon.

6. Exploring Their Erogenous Zone: Here's the skinny on the fastest way to get your lover's libido revving on all eight cylinders. Pisces like their feet tickled while Scorpio would rather you explore a more intimate region. Wanna know what it is? Turn the pages to find out.

7. Come Again? If you're like me, that Jacqueline Susanne novel Once Is Not Enough is written all over your face the minute you've gotten off. I've found begging for more usually doesn't work so these are my tips for getting your other half to gun for a round two without having to explicitly ask.

8. But Will It Last? If you're just looking to scope out a fast and furious fuck, forget this section -- but if you want to know your odds at a long-term love affair or the big M, keep reading.

9. Celebs: Celebrities I've picked who exemplify the traits of their sign.

Copyright © 2001 by Stuart Hazelton